Jeff Dunham Achmed The Dead Terrorist

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Achmed The Dead Terrorist by Jeff Dunham Achmed The Dead Terrorist lyrics Jeff: Good evening Achmed Achmed: Good evening... Infidel Jeff: So you're a Terrorist? Achmed: Yes... I am a Terrorist Jeff: What kind of Terrorist? Achmed: A terrifying... Terrorist Achmed: Are you scared? Jeff: Not really... no. Achmed: Harrr... and now? Jeff: Not really, no. Achmed: Huhharrr... How bout now? Jeff: No. Achmed: God Dammit... Oh Oh, I I mean uh, Ala Dammit. Achmed: SILENCE! I kill you! Jeff: So uh, Achmed... Achmed: No no, it's Achmed. Jeff: That's what I said... Achmed: No you said Ukned, it's Achmed huchhuch huch huch huch huch... SILENCE! I kill you! Jeff:How do'ya spell it? Achmed: What? Jeff: How do you spell you name? Achmed: Oh-uh... lets see an A... C... flem... SILENCE! I kill you! Jeff: So Achmed, if you're a Terrorist... I would suppose you have some sort of specialty. Achmed: Yesss... I am a Suicide Bomber. Jeff: Ahh... So you're finished? Achmed: What? Jeff: yo-you've done your job? Achmed: No I haven't Jeff: But you're dead. Achmed: No I'm not, I feel fine! Jeff: But you're all bone Achmed: It's a flesh wound... SILENCE! I kill you! What the h*ll happened to my feet? Son of a b*tch? What the h*ll? Oh wait a minute... What tha h*ll? What are you doin? Ok Stop it. Get off... What are you doing to me! STOP TOUCHING ME! I Kill YOU! Jeff: Al'right just hold on we'll fix this. Achmed: OK wait what are you doing... holy crap I'm in the air... wait, wait, wait something is backward. Holy crap. I don't know what I'm doin. I need some ligaments. Jeff: Just sit still... Achmed: OK... I wil not move my a*s Walter: You IDIOT you don't have an a*s Achmed: Is that Walter? Jeff: yea. Achmed: He scares the CRAP out of me! Please don't put me back in the sinned suitcase. Jeff: Why? Achmed: He has gas... Achmed: Sudan's Mustard gas is nothing compared to a Walter fart. Walter: Ah.hahahahahahhahahahahahhahaha Achmed: I-It's not funny... He will kill us! Jeff: Al-right... listen uh... Achmed... I have something to tell you. Achmed: What? Jeff: You-you really are dead. Achmed: Are are you sure? Jeff: Yes. Achmed: I just got my Flu shot. Jeff: You really are dead. Achmed: Wait. If I am dead... *gasp... That means I get my 72 virgins *gasp... Are you my virgins? I hope not. Jeff: Why? Achmed: There's a bunch of ugly-a*s guys out there. Achmed: If this is paradise... I've been SCREWED! Jeff: Well did they say it would only be, female, virgins? Achmed: Holy Crap! Achmed: Wait... I could have a Clay Aiken. ahahahahahha. I told a jokech! Jeff: Al'right so listen Achmed, so where did you come from? Achmed: Your freaking suitcase. ahahahahaha. I told another one. Jeff: heh, look if you've been in my suitcase all this time... How have you been getting through security at the airports? Achmed: Oh that's easy, they open the case and I go "ello! I am Lindsay Lohan!" haha... I-I told another Jokech! I can do this crap to'ch. Achmed: Ok, here's another one... 2 Jews walk in a bar. Jeff: No, no. Achmed: What? Jeff: no. Achmed: What, you don't let Jews in your bar? You racist bast**d. Jeff: What I mean is I don't want racist jokes in my act. Achmed: Oh-ok, how 'bout if I kill the Jews? Jeff: No. Achmed: I'm kidding, I would not kill the Jews... No! I would toss a penny between them and watch them fight to the death! ahahahhahaha! Yes-yes! I did the same thing with 2 Catholic Priests then I tossed in a small boy! ahahahahaha. haha yes-yes, and the winner had to fight Michael Jackson. Jeff: YOUUGHHH! Achmed: Ahahahaha. Jeff: Achmed. Achmed: what? Jeff: Stop doing this. Achmed: What? Jeff: You can't tell jokes like that. Achmed: Why not? I'm killing so to speak. Jeff: Well you can't tell jokes like that. Achmed: Why? Jeff: It offends people. Achmed: Oh I'm dead what do I care? What do you want me to do... Knock-knock jokesch? Jeff: That would probably be better. Achmed: Ok, Knock-knock... Jeff: Whose there? Achmed: Me! I kill you. Jeff: So look, as a suicide bomber have you had training? Achmed: Of course, we had the suicide bomber training camp. Jeff: Ah, is that a nice facility? Achmed: It used to be. Jeff: What happened? Achmed: New guy... The idiot tried to practice! Jeff: And what did you guys learn from that? Achmed: location, location, location. Jeff: So you guys have any kind of motto? Achmed: Like what? Jeff: You know like, "We are looking for a few good men. Achmed: Were looking for some idiots with no future. Jeff: So where do you get your recruits? Achmed: The suicide Hotline. ahahahha... That was dark was it not? Jeff: yea, so-uh what exactly happened to you? Achmed: Hah? Jeff: What happened? Achmed: Oh, if you must know. I am a horrible suicide bomber! Jeff: What happened? Achmed: I had a preimature detonation. I set the timer for 30 minutes but it went off in 4 seconds! Achmed: You know what that's like right? Mr.Hurrrriiccaanne... Walter: ahahahhahahahaha Jeff: So achmed, what exactly happened to you? Achmed: Well, I was getting gasoline and I answered my cellphone. Jeff: yea. Achmed: Can you hear me now... cunk. At first I thought it was because I went over my minutes. Jeff: That's too bad. Achmed: It's ok I took that Verizon bas***d with me. Jeff: So-uh, what's it like to die? Do you see a white light? Achmed: If you're dumb enough to watch the explosion... yes. Jeff: No, I mean when some people die they see a white light. What did you see? Achmed: I saw flying car parts... Jeff: What was the last thing that went through you're mind? Achmed: My a*s. Ahahahhaha. Walter told me to tell that jokech. Jeff: So you never saw a white light? Achmed: No, but I saw a Blue creais. Do you really have one of those vehicles? Jeff: Yes. Achmed: Ahahahhahahah! OHH! That is not a car that's a lunch box. Achmed: Did you know when you're going down the highway in a creais that if you put your hand out the window, the vehicle will turn. Jeff: You did all of this for a bunch of virgins? Achmed: Are you kidding me? I'd kill you for a klondik bar. Jeff: So I guess you're Muslim? Achmed: I don't think so. Jeff: You're not Muslim? Achmed: No. Jeff: Why? Achmed: Look on my A*s, It says made in China. Achmed: Walter says I'm just a stinkin' Halloween decoration. ahahhahaha. Jeff: So do you like being in D.C? Achmed: I think some idiots must live there. Jeff: Why? Achmed: For example, the Washington monument. Jeff: Yes? Achmed: It looks nothing like the guy, it looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton. AHHahahhaha Jeff: What do ya think of Bush? Achmed: Ohhhhhhh, I love Buhh, Oh! You mean the president? I'm sorry.

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