Bruces by Monty Python
Bruces lyrics
Second Bruce: G'day, Bruce!
First Bruce: Oh, Hello Bruce!
Third Bruce: How are you Bruce?
First Bruce: A bit crook, Bruce.
Second Bruce: Where's Bruce?
First Bruce: He's not 'ere, Bruce.
Third Bruce: Blimey, it's hot in here, Bruce.
First Bruce: Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum!
Second Bruce: That's a strange expression, Bruce.
First Bruce: Well Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use
it. "It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here,
your Majesty," he said and she smiled quietly to
herself.
Third Bruce: She's a good Sheila Bruce, and not at all
stuck up.
Second Bruce: Here! Here's the boss-fellow now! - how
are you bruce?
(Enter fourth Bruce with English person, Michael)
Fourth Bruce: 'Ow are you, Bruce?
First Bruce: G'day Bruce!
Fourth Bruce: Bruce.
Second Bruce: Hello Bruce.
Fourth Bruce: Bruce.
Third Bruce: How are you, Bruce?
Fourth Bruce: G'day Bruce.
Fourth Bruce: Gentleman, I'd like to introduce man from
Pommeyland who is joinin' us this year in the
philosophy department at the University of Walamaloo.
Everybruce: G'day!
Michael: Hello.
Fourth Bruce: Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin,
Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce.
First Bruce: Is your name not Bruce?
Michael: No, it's Michael.
Second Bruce: That's going to cause a little confusion.
Third Bruce: Mind if we call you "Bruce" to keep it
clear?
Fourth Bruce: Gentlemen, I think we better start the
faculty meeting. Before we start, though, I'd like to
ask the padre for a prayer.
First Bruce: Oh Lord, we beseech Thee, Amen!!
Everybruce: Amen!
Fourth Bruce: Crack tubes! (Sound of cans opening) Now
I call upon Bruce to officially welcome Mr. Baldwin to
the philosophy faculty.
Second Bruce: I'd like to welcome the pommey bastard to
God's own Earth, and remind him that we don't like
stuck-up sticky-beaks here.
Everybruce: Hear, hear! Well spoken, Bruce!
Fourth Bruce: Bruce here teaches classical philosophy,
Bruce there teaches Haegelian philosophy, and Bruce
here teaches logical positivism. And is also in charge
of the sheep dip.
Third Bruce: What's New-Bruce going to teach?
Fourth Bruce: New-Bruce will be teaching political
science, Machiavelli, Bentham, Locke, Hobbes,
Sutcliffe, Bradman, Lindwall, Miller, Hassett, and
Benaud.
Second Bruce: Those are all cricketers!
Fourth Bruce: Aww, spit!
Third Bruce: Hails of derisive laughter, Bruce!
Everybruce: Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia,
we love you amen!
Fourth Bruce:Bruce: Crack tube! (Sound of cans opening)
Any questions?
Second Bruce: New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?
Fourth Bruce: Are you a Poofter?
Michael: No!
Fourth Bruce: No. Right, I just want to remind you of
the faculty rules: Rule One!
Everybruce: No Poofters!
Fourth Bruce: Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to
maltreat the Abbos in any way at all -- if there's
anybody watching. Rule Three?
Everybruce: No Poofters!!
Fourth Bruce: Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to
catch anybody not drinking. Rule Five,
Everybruce: No Poofters!
Fourth Bruce: Rule Six, there is NO ... Rule Six. Rule
Seven,
Everybruce: No Poofters!!
Fourth Bruce: Right, that concludes the readin' of the
rules, Bruce.
First Bruce: This here's the wattle, the emblem of our
land. You can stick it in a bottle, you can hold it in
your hand.
Everybruce: Amen!
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume
Schopenhauer and Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nietzche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.
John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away--
Half a crate of whiskey every day.
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle.
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And Ren Descartes was a drunken fart.
'I drink, therefore I am.'
Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed,
A lovely little thinker,
But a bugger when he's pissed.
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