The Phonecall by Jon Lajoie
The Phonecall lyrics
Bob: "I can't believe this... I'll kill this
motherfucker!"
(phone rings)
Jake: "Hello"
Bob: "Hello Jake!"
Jake: "Oh, hi there Bob! How's it going?"
Bob: "Oh, I'm just fan-fucking-tastic, Jake. How are
you?"
Jake: "Oh, you know... can't complain"
Bob: "That's just fucking great. Hey, I just spoke to
my neighbor that lives across the street from me and he
told me that you came by my house today while I was at
work."
Jake: "Oh, erm... Yeah, yeah I just popped in there for
a few minutes"
Bob: "A few minutes? My neighbor says it was more like
3 hours. So what could you've possibly been doing with
my wife in my house for 3 hours?"
Jake: "No no no, look Bob, I erm... I uh..."
Bob: "...cause you see, a guy like me can get
suspicious"
Jake: "Listen... huh, I can explain everything, I
erm..."
Bob: "Oh, I want you to explain"
Jake: "It's not what you think, erm, I..."
Bob: "Oh, please, Jake, enlighten me, cause I'm really
fucking curious to know what you were doing"
Jake: "Look, it's nothing... it's stupid, really, I
uh... I went over to your house around 1 o'clock..."
Bob: "Uh-huh..."
Jake: "...and I, uh, I-I, I fucked your wife, and then
I left"
Bob: "Really."
Jake: "Really, I swear! I went over, I fucked her a
while and after we both came, I just went home"
Bob: "Is my name Forrest Gump, Jake?"
Jake: "Erm... what?"
Bob: "Answer the fucking question, is my name Forrest
Gump?"
Jake: "Erm... well, no"
Bob: "So why do you treat me like I'm a fucking retard?
You expect me to believe that you were in my house for
3 hours and all you did was fuck my wife?"
Jake: "Bob, listen, I uh... uh... I came over, she blew
me there... uh... for a while... I-I came... so... so
we had to wait a bit. Then we had sex in the kitchen
for a while, then we had sex in the living room"
Bob: "You're fucking lying to me and I really don't
like it, Jake! You were in my house for 3 hours"
Jake: "No, no! It's not... but we... you see we had sex
a few times and then she wanted more! She said she was
really wet and feeling dirty and she wanted more than
one cock inside of her... so um... so... we-we called
your brother to see if he wanted to come over and get
in on the action... and-and, he-he-he... he said yes,
so we waited around for him for about an hour,
that's... that's why it took so long"
Bob: "My brother..."
Jake: "Um-hmmm!"
Bob: "You and my brother double-teamed my wife?"
Jake: "Oh, yeah, yeah! We gave it to her boy! In every
hole!"
Bob: "Oh, see that's funny, cause my brother's in Miami
this week, Jake. I find it hard to believe that my
brother flew all the way out here from Miami to double-
team my wife with you."
Jake: "I... well... uuuh..."
Bob: "And you know what the funny thing is? The fosset
in my kitchen has been leaking for 3 months now and
suddenly today, of all days, it decided to stop
leaking. I'll only give you one last chance to answer
the question and if you lie, I guarantee you, you're
gonna regret it! What were you doing in my house
today?"
Jake: "I... I'm sorry... your wife called me... and
I... I didn't..."
Bob: "Answer the fucking question!"
Jake: "Your wife wanted me to fix the fosset, cause she
couldn't stand the dripping noise anymore! I-I didn't
want to do it but she begged me"
Bob: "And what did you do?"
Jake: "I fixed it! I fixed the fosset! I'm so sorry"
Bob: "You motherfucking cocksucking piece of shit! You
fucking fixed my fosset you backstabbing fuck! Now I'm
gonna fix your face, you hear me? I'm gonna fix your
fucking face! But if you think I'm ever gonna fuck your
wife again, forget about it man! Last night was the
last time!
Jake: " No... No! Please don't do this!"
Bob: "Never again!"
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